Tsunami Shit Storm Strikes Segredos....

Two major washouts tonight, the first being Tidal Wave (Haeundae) from 2009, a Korean disaster.

..............film that should be avoided at all costs. Based seouly on the handful of Korean pictures I've watched over the years, it would seem that South Korea is the epicentre of externalizing emotions. When the cast of Tidal Wave isn't weeping uncontrollably, they're crying out each others names in a weird death-scream tone for no apparent reason... and this is long before the big-ass wave gets there. About 30 seconds in, I started hoping the wave would arrive sooner so it could put a stop to all the incessant wailing and moaning.

Jesus Christ, grow a backbone you sniveling creampuffs. It's just water.

I considered giving Tidal Wave a rock-bottom 1 out of 10, but thought I'd better leave space in case I ever saw anything worse, so I settled on a 2/10.

Which, oddly enough, happened sooner than I'd first expected. The unwatchable Tidal Wave is a veritable masterwork compared with the second film I chapter-skimmed through tonight, Puen yai jon salad (2009), billed as a Thai “Pirates of the Caribbean” and sporting two quite different and seemingly disconnected English-translation titles. It's either called Queens of Langkasuka or Legend of the Tsunami Warrior, neither of which seem to have much to do with the movie. What it should be called is “Sit jou kop in die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai” which loosely translates to “Giant Waste of Time”.

Imagine if you combined the dramatic scenes from Ong Bak 2 with the worst bits of Waterworld and then sucked all the creativity out of the project and you start to approach the sheer ineptitude of Legend of the Tsunami Queens of Langkasuka Salad.

Thanks to my earlier foresight, The Salad Queens of Tsunami Ridge gets an pitiful 1 out of 10 and if I need to tuck Pauly Shore's or Carrottop's inevitable comeback movie somewhere below this one, I can always go to the big goose egg. For the time being however, the clear limbo bar winner is The Legendary Tsunami Salad of the Thai Queens.

A final word of warning – despite the misleading DVD title, there are simply no tsunamis or even modest waves in Puen yai jon salad.

Not one.

And also, regardless of what's written on IMDb in the movie's description, I could only count one Queen.


1 comment:

the coelacanth said...

i keep laughing at this post, and i'm not sure why. might have something to do with "queens of langkasuka salad". i had not heard of tidal wave and was intrigued (if only for the title) by legend of tsunami warrior. looks like i'll avoid both now. thanks for the heads up.