The Expendables (2010)

Existing on the dark side of the moon, at least when compared to the endless barrage of estrogen bombs going off at the cinema week in and week out for the last few years, Sylvester Stallone's Expendables certainly makes for an unusual viewing experience. As you might expect, it's an inverted, gender-mirror image of Sex and the City, the Twilight franchise and everything Nora Ephron ever directed. This is man movie territory, part homage to '80 action flicks, part sentimental longing for the good old days when men had testicles. Nearly everyone from the era is in it (except Seagal and Van Damme) and it reminded me that these guys have no modern day equivalents. Weird, isn't it? They just don't make movies like this anymore, which is, I suppose, both the point and the movie Stallone was making.

So, is The Expendables any good? Well, it ain't art to be sure, but fuck yeah, it's awesome! Sure, it might lack a little of the magic from the old days, but it works well enough on its own level. It's overly violent, gratuitous to a fault, ridiculous and improbable... and I didn't give a shit. Stallone is charming, funny and looks like he's nearly paralyzed on horse tranquilizers throughout. When he and Mickey Rourke hook up, you have to wonder who has more steroids coursing through their ever-prominent veins. The scene is 2 parts amazing and 3 parts jaw-droppingly creepy. It's like watching the results of a CIA super-soldier-science-experiment gone terribly right. The other ex-stars all hit their marks (and the bad guys) on cue and shit blows up over and over again.

And over again.

Gotta say....I really liked The Expendables. Sure, it was a silly throwbac......whoops, Donna's calling. All the girls have big boobs. Watch it.


stonerphonic said...

my GF and I went to catch this at the cinema, and yea, i can't agree any more with your review Scott. this isn't Lang, Hitchcock or Murnau, and Kubrick will still sleep well at night, but The Expendables is def a reminder of shit hot 80's "muscle films" that unfortunately have all but vanished from cinema today.

Loved every second of it for all the right reasons. Great action, great gunfire, headshots, tits, and minimal story to get in the way of all the action. It's meant to be dumb fun, and it delivered in spades.

Highly recommended to remind you of what's missing from action cinema today.


Worsenfunk said...

One man is still making these films - his name is Dwayne Johnson aka the rock. The Rundown and Walking Tall are modern testosterone bombs. One may claim Jason Statham is also bringing the pulsing cock back to the big screen - but he's too skinny and wears expensive suits, so he's out. Stallone and Johnson should team up, before Sly stumbles into something sharp and deflates, flying upwards with a farting noise never to be seen again.

the coelacanth said...

going to watch tomorrow night. i'm so excited i'm tenting at the crotch.

La Sporgenza said...

Coleslaw... A little use of force with your right hand and arm in a twisting motion... might just deal with that tenting.

Stoney... admire the fact you took your GF to see this. I had to watch it late at night like internet porn here.

Funkchild... can't get that image of Stallone shooting off into the night sky outta my head. Hilarious.