My Head Hurts....

The quiet solitude of Casa Segredos was shattered last night. Crews surveyed the wreckage this morning searching for traces of a small piglet who became disoriented and accidentally wandered into the Wallace and Lansdowne speakeasy early last evening.

“It was horrifying” said one bald, vegetarian, bass-playing, computer programmer attendee, who wished to remain anonymous, “They literally tore it limb from limb and devoured it in seconds flat. They were like fucking locusts”

A Toronto Humane Society supervisor, evidently shaken from what he'd seen inside said, “It was obviously a bloodbath. I'm sickened by what happened in there. Several local chickens have also gone missing and we believe there may a connection.”

Police discovered hundreds of dead brown soldiers after they raided the notoriously private Segredos complex early Monday morning.

“A massacre”, was how one officer described it, “Things obviously got out of hand. The bathroom was flooded several times even though a sign above one of the urinals clearly stated that the water needed to be turned off.” “These animals obviously can't read”, added another.

Segredos (Portuguese for secret place) owner, a slightly tubby man known only as La Sporgenza was quickly ushered away in handcuffs into a waiting cruiser by officers this morning. He spoke only briefly to reporters suggesting that the real ringleader was, “Reed! - it's Joe Reed you want... and the Colombian!” before police tazered him repeatedly, tossed him into the back seat and sped away.

Investigations by various law enforcement agencies into what exactly happened Sunday night continue. A city-wide manhunt for one Joseph Reed of Toronto is currently underway. Immigration officials suggested in a news conference that Mr. Sporgenza is cooperating in their search for several U.K. illegals also thought to have been in attendance. The mysterious Colombian however, remains at large.