12 Little Indians....

First up – nice work on the twin reviews for the Midnight Madness series boys. They were a treat to read and while I'm not a fan of the genre(s), there are a couple I'll watch when/if they get to DVD. The big tittie one comes to mind, for one.

On a more distressing note, an evil force has re-invaded the FBW. I can tell because the cafe J-Cloths are being sliced up like nubile young virgins from one of Joe's French horror films again. Like crop circles, this phenomena has occurred before, back in mid-summer if I recall. Then all of a sudden it stopped, probably due to a moon cycle shift or Jupiter moving out of Aries and finally squaring with Uranus. Some crazed lunatic has been cutting up the full sized J-cloths into little yellow and blue postage stamps, useless for pretty much anything. I've been pondering who it might be and offer the following analysis....

Jola... My first suspect due to her impossibly little hands, dwarfed by the relative breadth of a uncircumcised J-Cloth had been cutting them up to match her glove size. She's also Polish. Vindicated by her air-tight alibi during this most recent slate of cloth mutilations by being in Italy, or so we've been led to believe. Has an identical twin who may be in Italy in her place.

Nikki... A possibility. Likes to crop things like photographs. The J-Cloth remnants are roughly Polaroid sized. Coincidence?

Joey... Slightly mad. Could be more unhinged than we know. Will need to watch her carefully.

Gwynne... Too spacey to cut with such precision. Has big hands too. Unlikely.

Nick... Was in Montreal during the first wave of mutilations. Alibi sound.

Kris... Too focused on Twitter and other social communication devices to do something as mundane as cut up cloths for no reason. Little hands though so he needs to be watched.

Juan-Tom... Also a possibility. Was at the FBW during both periods, the first coinciding with him starting to cover west end shifts. Swarthy illegal to boot. Rationing common in the old country so it might be habit.

Joe... Of the 15 movies that arrived on Friday from KRK, 10 are disturbing slasher flicks (all ordered by Coffin Joe). Is he acting out his murderous dark thoughts on J-cloths? Is this a precursor to torturing small animals and then graduating to dicing children and the infirm? Works Fridays in the FBW, the day I most often notice the mutilations.

Kendall... Was in Bristol during the first wave of mutilations. Alibi sound.

David... Can't see it.

Luke... Listens to Jazz, dresses like Brian Ferry but doesn't know who Roxy Music is. A fraud? Perhaps. Reads a lot. Wears hats. Is considering Grad School in the States. Not to be trusted.

Justin... Cut his own hair “lobotomy style” Writes strange, often indecipherable things on this very blog. Lives on a boat where little squares of J-cloths might be useful. A strong suspect.

Whoever it is.... get some help.



the coelacanth said...

you've forgotten someone...

Britarded said...

I think on his quest to increase profit margins and to lower overheads... there is only one suspect. Graham. Seriously, he said he'd 'streamline' me out the scoopforce if he had the authority. Sounds like he's settling for a little less now though. Let him micro manage the J-cloths it delays his inevitable Ed Gein phase.

the coelacanth said...

oh, and i love my new name - i hope it sticks...

Chandles said...

It was Tom. I seen 'im do it!

No, that's a lie, but it's just so easy to blame Tom for anything/everything.

Chandles said...

But actually I'm pretty sure it is Joe. He cuts up the J-cloths into smaller sqaures which become... J.O.-cloths.

La Sporgenza said...

Ok... first off I never considered Graham and Virginia, so they weren't included.

Turns out it was Gwynne. I should have known it would be a Jola-disciple. New names for the FBE crew as follows

Coffin Joe

That is all.

Dropkick said...

oh come on' Spragg, you can come up with a way better handle for Jules than that.
and i wish mine was more Colombian