I've already got one thanks

For a second time now “fbwest” has been invited by strange facebook people to be their friends via email. That's 3 separate contacts this week alone inviting an inanimate object “fbwest” to pal up with them. I don't understand and was hoping one of you youthful social network experts could shed some light on these odd requests. Are they architectural fans? One of the invites came from someone with 697 friends, another from someone with only 555 (who is obviously uglier). How in the name of all that is holy does one have the bad luck to acquire 700 fucking friends? I don't even know 700 people all together and I've been on the planet twice as long as most facebook users. It literally boggles my mind. One of our staff (who will remain nameless) just about pee'd herself today because “someone wrote something on her wall” For fuck sakes – what does that mean? Is that a good thing?

I'm so glad that I missed this whole social/digital networking thing. In the really recent past you simply made plans and met up with your buds later. Now it seems that most furiously text one another for an hour after work, can't seem to agree on what the order of the evening should be and just go home. Brilliant! Think how much money you're saving.

A word of advice. 700 friends is about 696 too many and if someone writes on your digital facebook wall tell them to piss off and draw stupid shit on their own fucking wall and leave yours alone. No one should have more than 4 friends - but you need to be able to count on them to bury a dead hooker and keep their mouths shut about it if the need arises. In addition, you need a maximum of 12 acquaintances to invite to BBQ's and house parties. Know them well enough to hook up for a coffee but not so well that they feel comfortable asking you for money. They won't pay you back. If you've got a big family, avoid them by moving as far away as you can afford to.

Kendall is going to buy me a throw away cell phone for our cottage trip next week at Loblaws. It feels like an episode of The Wire and I'm rather excited about it. When we get back I'm going to toss it in the garbage with great glee. I might do a drug deal first though.

Save yourselves. Disconnect from the matrix as soon as possible. If you need to call someone from the woods, get Kendall to make the arrangements and don't ask any questions.

Sporgey