My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Although it's still 2 weeks away from the romantickest of romantic days, last night I felt romance stirring in my nether regions, and decided to take my sweetheart to the most fitting of date films, My Bloody Valentine 3D. Yes, THREEEEEE-DEEEEEE!!!!!

There was much consternation on various horror message boards over the last year with psoriatic goths and me bemoaning the fact that one of their favourite 80's slashers (and Canadian to boot) was to be remade by the heartless Hollywood machine. Well, trailers began to leak, and it didn't look so bad after all... Word sprang up that the film would not be a "remake", but a "reimagining" (aren't they all?), and would be projected in three glorious dimensions. Cautious excitement began to build...

So, what it comes down to is this: I'm an absolute sucker for 3D - I won't watch ANYTHING just because it's in 3D, but I will suffer through what would otherwise be some godawful films if it were not for the technology. What I was more impressed with in this newest effort was the use of something called "Real D", which turned out to be a really cool experience, completely pulling you into the action, somewhat akin to watching a theatre performance - the people on screen were almost real - too bad the characterizations were paper thin.

Anyway, the film itself wasn't horrible - your standard stalk and slash type deal, which in my eyes, was a rare superior to the original, and surprisingly gory for "mainstream" fare. I liked that part, and there were a few scenes that had even a seasoned gorehound like myself wincing and curling my toes. And there was a pleasant scene in a hotel room, where....well, let's just say it's pretty surreal seeing 10 foot tall boobs pushing out of the screen, although I am ashamed to admit they had me reaching lustfully toward the screen, pants tenting slowly... And it's always a treat to see living B-legend Tom Atkins on screen.

Unfortunately, the film was unable to build much suspense - except for a couple scenes, notably the one in the grocery store - and the killer is obvious about 30 minutes in. I'd give the film itself a 3.5-4/10; with the Real D, it notches a solid 7/10 for a fun, fun time. If you're going to see this one (and I suspect no one reading this will), it has to be on the big screen.

We fittingly finished off an evening of empty calories with a visit to Smoke's Poutinerie down the street from the cinema. I highly reccomended the pulled pork poutine for your weekly sodium allowance in a single dish. Deeeeelish!